By Julie Tenner
The point of a family is growth, not peace.
Let go of this ideal lovely one. Let the desire for perfect family harmony and connection float into your mind and then let it wander on by. Why?
Because the very seeking of peace will create more disharmony to get you to love the other side and bring your perspective back into balance. The seeking for harmony creates the chaos, to bring you into balance both within your life and your perceptions.
We are everything. Cliché hey? But why do you think clichés are clichés?? Because they’re also truth. So we are love and peace, disharmony and chaos and both serve us well.
So for this blog we are going to do some work on your perceptions of:
Harmony = love and connection, a calm adult, a connected stable family
Disharmony = chaos, out of control, disconnection and unease within a family
What are the drawbacks of harmony?
Lowered resilience, anxiety, more chaos, no emotional space for darker emotions, unable to be with anger or rage, avoid conflict, seek to please others over self, I grow up feeling deserving of love and don’t work for it so I’m confused when love doesn’t always come my way, I don’t learn to embrace challenge, I run from challenge, if something or someone is not providing peace for me I will not work on the relationship, I will say “if its this hard, it’s not meant to be”…..
What are the benefits of disharmony?
Greater resilience, a toolkit for handling chaos and conflict, an ability to see others values at play, an opportunity to learn to speak in others values and needs, empathy, compassion, a trust in spirit, a value on connection so I seek it in relationships because I’ve known its absence, a great communicator, an ability to tune inwards and know what I need, to listen to my own heart, to follow my own truth even in chaos, to move into a challenge and find a way through, problem solving skills, a resilient internal dialogue, passion and fire to seek what I want….
We could go on specific if this were an actual individual…
Hopefully though, you get the idea. There are benefits to us in the “dark” as much as in the “light” – so don’t disown one thinking you’re doing you or your child a favour, that they will grow up “better” because they haven’t known the pain you have. Pain serves. Look around you to see how it has served others – where has their drive, their passion, their ideals and their career sprung from?? It’s not chance and it’s not “in-spite of” – it’s because of…
This was one of the greatest insights I ever got when working on my mum with a coach. I’d spent my whole life dissecting every “wrong” thing she did to me, convinced I was who I was “in-spite of” and definitely not because of who she was. But what you run from runs you – so I also spent a lifetime hating on her, disowning the parts I associated with her and condemning everything she did. Then one day during some coaching I got the point of tears of gratitude, the point where I saw the divine in action and I honestly wouldn’t change a thing from my childhood – in my heart and soul I thanked my mum for who she was, what she had shown me and gifted me and for all the pain that taught me.
Want to know what those gifts were?
She gave me my career.
She was emotionally unstable and bi-polar (undiagnosed) – she taught me emotion, in full colour. I got to see it, feel it, know it and understand it – everything. Emotion is what my career is based on.
Then not only did she teach me emotion, she taught me how to disconnect from it, enough that I can know it but not get caught up the story surrounding it. She taught me how to hold space for emotion and be impartial to the story which is how I can work with emotion as a practitioner, how I can facilitate movement through emotion with my clients, how I can dissect their story to come past the “bullshit” running them, to the actual point of the lessons in the emotion.
She gave me my drive. My total desire to “get the fuck out” of wherever I am and do whatever it takes to get there. I am motivated and I am a goal achiever. I often hear the term “I don’t know how you do it” – but its effortless for me because I’m so comfortable with challenge and I look to find a way through, I don’t stop till I have. This has served me in my career, my relationships and my family.
Whoa, thanks mum.
Had she not shown me what she had, had she been anything other than she was, I would never have learnt what I needed in order to carve out the life I have; which is rich in relationship and love. The pain was the only way I could learn the deepest aspects of my soul, so I could know others and this is my act of service in this world – this is my soul purpose.
So don’t always seek the light. The point of a family is growth and this is as much an act of love as the loving acts themselves. I want my children to grow up to be dynamic, incredible individuals and I’m sure you do to. The thing is, they learn this stuff through challenge, not through peace and having all their needs met. I no longer want to save my children from pain and struggle and heartbreak – I want to walk through it with them, but I won’t beat up on myself when I can’t, when I don’t or when I just have a plain old “shit parenting moment” – because I know they are learning just as much from this as from when I am love and light and connection.
The point of a family is growth, NOT PEACE.
Join us in the next round of the Loathing to Loving Program commencing in February and learn how to apply these principles in your life, plus much more x
Julie Tenner is Co-founder of Nourishing The Mother and is also The Pleasure Nutritionist. Julie is a Naturopath, specialising in women’s and children's health, with specialised focus on awakening women to their full potential – health for the mind, body and soul – creating lasting life change for you and your family by “coming home” to your magnificence.