By Julie Tenner
There is no one way to create connection within your most intimate relationship, but there are a set of go-tos I utilize whenever I’m feeling disconnected. So I thought I’d lay them out here for you.
Feeling disconnection from my husband = feeling disconnection from myself.
Spending time with and on myself is always what I need to feel lush again. When I feel lush, its effortless to feel sassy and cheeky and ultimately flirtation enters the arena again. So do whatever you need to do to create the feeling of lusciousness within you. Perhaps its prioritizing reading, or putting on make up, or wearing underwear you feel sexy in, or a quiet bath or a walk on your own….Investing in you, is investing in your relationship.
So take action to inspire desire within yourself. Desire…don’t be frightened by that word – it really just means to surrender to feeling and let those juicy feelings bloom within you…its effortless, no control needed, but it is an art form to sit in our feminine and “wallow” in a good feeling, allowing it to expand within your body….start to practice your art of surrender.
A word on lingerie and lipstick and any form of adornment we use: I want you to remember that whilst these items are wonderful, they are merely extensions and expressions of your seductive power – not the source of it.
When we prioritise family time, it’s easier to feel the connection around you.
Life is so busy and the house always needs cleaning, doesn’t it? So it can be a real juggle to even prioiritsie half a day to just go do something together. The thing is, once you do – 5 minutes into it everyone starts to unravel and relax and when the tension eases, the feelings of love and connection start to swell. Creating intention around this type of connection isn’t just so you can feel connected to your kids and they to you – its because the love and affection that began this family will flow back to you, hitting your heart-space and your memory – you’ll want to touch and cuddle or at the very least offer a lingering stare.
Getting grateful for everything he is and does do, rather than not seeing it.
It’s so easy to look around and see all the ways he doesn’t measure up, all the things he doesn’t do that your friends husbands do – the list that just doesn’t get done. The art of gratitude is to become aware of all the ways he does show his love for you and your family….it just might not be in the form you are looking for it. I’ve born witness to many couples and families over the years, so perhaps this insight makes it easier for me – but when I feel the greatest amount of love flowing towards my husband, it’s when I’m “hit” by the sudden realization of something I’m grateful for within him, that I hadn’t noticed before. The next step is to bring it to full consciousness – tell him in that moment what you saw, what you adore and what it means to you…if you begin appreciation and vulnerability, it will start to come back to you – verbally (which feels nice) or in an act of service, doing more of what you love.
Look for ways to create touch.
Touch is often underrated when it comes to men, but trust me, they adore touch just as much as we do – yet how often do you give out affectionate touch? It is often one of those “things” that just slips away over the years as you move from being incredibly aware of his physical proximity to you, to shuffling and functioning as you move around organizing a busy household. Start to create conscious touch-moments in your everyday…it increases all our love and bonding hormones unconsciously, it awakens connection and desire consciously.
Create a date night, at home.
It might be cheese and wine in a floor-picnic or it might be a specially cooked meal just for the two of you that you enjoy once kids are in bed. Don’t fall in the crux of watching a movie together – it is often the fastest way to end a night with “too tired” and you’ll go to bed not having achieved any connection. The whole point is to not have other distractions, it’s a dinner-party, get a little flirty, share your heart and soul….and perhaps you’ll wear something special?
Do you remember her? That flirty girl who used to giggle and sashay about feeling powerful and aware of the effect she had….have you forgotten her? Flirtation is one of the most ancient art forms of the feminine. It does not mean “I want to have sex with you”, so let go of the baggage you’ve attached to it. Flirtation’s sole purpose is to leave an interaction with another person in such a way that you both feel better than when you began a conversation – it’s a mood-booster, a vibe changer and those good feelings can awaken something truly glorious within you. Start playing with it in your day to day life, flirt with your friends, the waiter and try it on your husband….I guarantee it will create good-feelings between you.
Having a connected partnership is the greatest gift you can give your children – our kids learn from example and the most intimate relationship they witness will the be exact dynamic they go looking for as adults. It is absolutely worth investing in.
Our intimate relationships are the best teachers for our own soul growth – it is no accident you have this person in your life – they will be your counterpart in many many ways, the trick is to begin to see the world as your mirror and shift your perspective from
“Them/they/he’s wrong or irritating”
“What is this trying to reveal to me?”.
Your soul is constantly talking to you through this world and the people in it – you will only ever see what you need to see in order to grow. None of us will ever see the same person or situation the same way and that is the whole point. The fact that you see …..(insert most irritating trait) in your partner, is perfect for you, because it is the call from your soul to own more parts of itself – where are you also…….?
To own something means it belongs to you, you understand why its there and what it brings you. When you do this, you bring it out of the shadows and into the light – shame, blame and judgment can’t survive in the light and neither can disconnection.
Julie Tenner is Co-founder of Nourishing The Mother and is also The Pleasure Nutritionist. Julie is a Naturopath, specialising in women’s and children's health, with specialised focus on awakening women to their full potential – health for the mind, body and soul – creating lasting life change for you and your family by “coming home” to your magnificence.