By Julie Tenner
We are all wounded. We are literally the walking wounded. No one's wounds are greater, no ones are lesser. No one can say what is, or is not, worthy of a wound. No one can say how deep you, or I, feel any one moment in our lives – it isn’t tangible, it isn’t measurable. Because something that was deeply wounding to me, does not mean it would be for you. Because a moment impacted you so deeply that you can still feel the hurt and pain, does not mean I would.
Our Wounds create our Voids – the things we feel we’re missing and always compensating for.
Our Voids create and drive our Values.
Our Values create our Genius, our quest for our Soul Purpose.
Isn’t it fascinating?!
Do you love your wounds, your battle scars, your pain? Could you?
Of the many dark wounds I can still connect to in my lifetime, probably the greatest for me was the death of my father.
He had been dying for 4 years. An incurable form of cancer ravished his body as he scoured the world for alternative cancer therapy and bared his soul in ways that I can only say was equally breathtakingly beautiful and tremendously terrifying.
Upon his diagnosis I was 15 years old. Almost overnight I “lost” my dad, at least that’s my perception, he became very focused on himself and his journey. My mum was equally as self-focused on her survival mode. They both needed to do this, no one can say what is right or wrong in how we embark on these enormously painful journeys, but as a daughter on the cusp of womanhood it was devastating.
So, “parentless”, I took on many labels, I tried on many different personalities to see who I needed to be, based on what I perceived others thought. I spiraled downwards, I darted upwards and I sparked every way left and right….concealed very cleverly in a “capable” persona. But inside I was dying.
As I cooked for and nursed my father, as I bared the tirade of emotion from my mother, as I sought to raise my younger sister, I felt wounds go deeper to where there was no feeling left – I wasn’t dying, I was numbing.
For the next DECADE after my fathers death I sought counseling and therapy in many different forms – convinced this time they could take the slippery, rotting pain out of my body and then somehow I’d feel healed and I’d be connected to myself…once this was removed, once it was gone. A decade of this. You name it, I tried it. And still I felt wronged. Still I felt wounded – gaping open sores that I was sure others would find rancid and insidious – convinced my emotional “gangrene” was intolerable and therefore I was - so I kept the many masks of “capability” to prevent everyone running away from me….
Wow. I read that now and I just want to hug teen and 20-something me.
I get it. I see it. But its not the way, its not the path…the cure for the pain is in the pain….not in the removal and disconnection from what is “wrong” or “intolerable”, but in the all encompassing embracing of it – just enough of a toe dip into the immense pain to see the why….
Not Why – how could this have happened to me, I don’t understand it, I don’t deserve it…not the why a decade of therapy taught me. Not the why that still holds me in my victim state. Not the why that makes me, or anyone involved, wrong or right. Not the why that justifies my wounding and my pain and in doing so, keeps me trapped by it.
But Why – why is this here, what was it trying to wake me up to, what is it here to teach me, why now, why this way, what are the lessons, where is the wisdom?
This why, this ability to look at what is so awful and repulsive and bring it into the light and into my being, until I can accept my whole soul and understand the wisdom in such a profound way, that I am brought to tears of gratitude. Thiswhy, that says “yes” to all of me, not “only you can stay, but you are wrong”,this why saved my life and my soul.
This why led me on a journey to seeing the gifts in my experience/s and in my pain. Our wounds are the place the light enters, right Rumi? It has taken me a lifetime to understand this and still I would say I don’t fully grasp the enormity, but what I can say is this:
My deepest wound, the excruciatingly slow death of my father, is an experience I now have nothing but deep, humbling gratitude for. I understand its why. I’ve gained the wisdom and I’ve transcended my perception and pain in doing this. It is likely the one major life event that led on to every other choice I made and outcome I’ve created, to be who I am now. And I love who I am now – I went through one hell of a time becoming her.
If you are like me and stuck in your wounds, if you are seeking “the more” but you don’t know what it is or how to access it – our online Loathing to Loving Program delves into the tools I used, and still use, to transcend any pain or wound…I would really love to help you bring your greatest shame and pain into the light and mine the diamonds from it.
Julie Tenner is Co-founder of Nourishing The Mother and is also The Pleasure Nutritionist. Julie is a Naturopath, specialising in women’s and children's health, with specialised focus on awakening women to their full potential – health for the mind, body and soul – creating lasting life change for you and your family by “coming home” to your magnificence.