So today I’m off to find out the destination of my future. Yes, it feels that final. The difference is, I don’t feel overly emotional about it. I have a deep knowing that whatever the outcome, I will be fine. I guess you could call it faith, but its faith with enough ‘evidence’ stacked behind it that I feel its easier to trust than a 'gut knowing'.
It sounds like I’m speaking in tongues doesn’t it?? Let me start here….
I found out just over two months ago that I was pregnant. SURPRISE! Pregnant with number 4. It was possibly the biggest shock I’ve had thus far.
I kept putting my missing period down to my obsessive “jade egg practice” and my swelling breasts to my masterful manifestation and the practice of “loving of my body” – silly I know, but our subconscious is very clever at telling us just what we want to hear.
It is my first unconscious conception, so unconscious in fact that I still can’t explain it. We were SUPER careful with contraception because I was so paranoid about getting pregnant again. We found out 2 days before my husband was booked in for a vasectomy (which had been booked for months). If that’s not the Divine at play, I don’t know what is.
Those first few weeks of knowing were excruciating. A mix of turbulent emotions. I was plugged right back into all the reasons I couldn’t do this again – you see, my number 3 was a ‘real doozie’ and no way could I do another one like her…she took me so far into the depths of myself that I had to claw my way back and frankly, I don’t really want to do that again. I’ve just started to find my place in this world with Nourishing the Mother, I don’t want to give up work again. I was just reaching an incredible place in my relationship and with my body, I thought 2017 was MY year for expansion – a baby would shatter that. I just couldn’t give up who I was again for a baby, I wasn’t willing to stop my life again in order to be everything to another infant. And then there’s our financial future, our plans to extend our house – all squashed with the prospect of another child….so I was in a pretty dark place and for a couple of weeks we considered and discussed abortion.
Luckily, I know enough about the work we do to know that if I’m only seeing something one way, with one possible outcome and all the drawbacks – I’m polarised and need to equilibrate before I can make any sort of rational/sane decision. I didn’t want to make a decision based on fear, on scarcity and emotion. So I sort facilitation, I found a coach to work me through this decision.
I knew that no matter what the outcome, this was all consciousness unfolding and would hold within it the greatest wisdom and opportunity for growth, if I allowed it.
It was during this process I had some pretty serious realisations – realisations so big for me that the freedom created from smashing them and gaining gratitude was literally life changing…
On my first session we began to flip the perspective that a fourth child is all bad. I was facilitated to find the other versions of reality, my perceptions were unwilling to let me see. I strained my brain to find all the ways a fourth child would add to our family, not take away. All the ways having less and living with less (less space, less money etc) served me and my family. All the ways a fourth child adds to my genius and soul purpose. After all, its just my perceptions that say it can only be one way – reality is whatever we think, see and believe, right?
My list was enormous. I did all the benefits and drawbacks to having and not having a fourth child, to having and not having an abortion. I needed to get to the point of realising and feeling in my body that no matter what decision I made, or what outcome would be, no one way was worse or better than another.
In truth, there is always equal support and challenge its only our internal filter on how we see this world that says otherwise.
A few that stood out to me were:
· Having a more crowded space, my kids sharing rooms forever could be just as incredible as having their own space. There is something extraordinary about people who have grown up in large families, in crowded spaces – you are forced to grow, you are constantly rubbing up against your mirrors in many forms, you learn how to communicate in other peoples values, you learn compromise and compassion. All qualities I want for my children. I don’t want kids that come home for food, close themselves in their rooms and I rarely see them.
· Having four children expands my wisdom and genius within my top value. Whilst my third was my most challenging, I’m kidding myself if I don’t’ also recognise that she was my greatest teacher, my biggest path to expansion in my life. Without Lola, there would be no Nourishing the Mother, there would be no Pleasure Nutritionist, I wouldn’t be who I am now. This is also the first time I’ve had a business that can integrate so seamlessly with my kids, a business I love so much I don’t want to stop doing. So it’s the perfect time to see how this is on the way, not in the way.
· I had attached “success” to the big white house, which I’d attached to my career and sense of self worth. I’m also kidding myself if I think this success. It doesn’t align with my top values, its again a belief/injected value. If I had to choose between the big white house or incredible moments/trips with my family, I know what I’d choose and its opened me up to a whole new way of being - enter minimalism.
It was also during this session I realised I had 2 beliefs holding me back from seeing how the baby could be “good”:
1. Fourth baby = poverty
2. Fourth baby = a silly woman(I find this phrase particularly jarring)
Then I realised:
My mother is a fourth child.
My mother grew up in post-war, depression era of England. Sometimes money was so short they didn’t have enough to feed everyone, at which time my mother and her next youngest sibling would be sent to live with other families, until there was enough money for food again.
My mother was “an accident”, “should never have been”. She was born very premature to a mother with advanced MS who could never look after her. She was raised by her eldest sister.
These beliefs of poverty and stupidity were so strong I was sure they were mine, but in reality they were not.
They were story I had growth up with and ingrained into who I was. I was carrying my mothers story in an unconscious way, without seeing how all of these situations served her, without finding the grace. I just picked these beliefs up and ran with them.
It shocks me sometimes how reckless we are with the beliefs we hold. We rarely question why we think and believe what we do. We rarely look for where that came from and if it was even ours to begin with. So we just go around carrying these suitcases, never thinking to let them down and say “thank you”. It made me wonder what else was hidden in my subconscious.
So on my second session we worked on my mother. I’ve blogged about the realisations I had about her during this session previously and I’m still humbled to see how ‘perfect’ she is and was for me. This was the biggest freedom I’ve encountered so far – the traits and memories relating to these personality traits of hers that I was still clinging to as “wrong” was what we busted. I went so far down this rabbit hole that I got to a full-bodied sensation of grace, to tears to gratitude and all I could think of was bowing to the Divine’s magnificence at play and saying “thank you” to my mum. This has been the biggest shift in my perception of her and in our relationship.
Later that night in the shower I had another moment of utter grace, where all I could feel was an immense wave of peace, no emotion, just gratitude and a knowing that no matter what this outcome, I would be ok.
It was after that I decided I couldn’t go down the path of abortion. I was willing to see what this future would pan out like. I was willing to let myself feel ever so slightly into the “good” that came with the challenge of a new baby. I made an oath to myself and felt a huge surge of ambition – “I will not stop being me this time, I will not give up coffee, I will have a drink if I want one and I will use this as fuel to take my business to the next level”.
I had a small bleed that night and thought perhaps this was it – the work I had done on my mum was the whole reason for this pregnancy. Even if this was it, even if I went through the pain of another miscarriage, I was grateful.
But then I got sick. Really sick. So sick I couldn’t function. Guess I’m still pregnant??
This was by far the hardest part. That “oath” that I’d made myself – well that fell flat on its face! Coffee made me vomit, just the thought of it. I was so sick I felt incapacitated. I felt inadequate. The smallest everyday tasks seemed immense. I felt like I was dragging my body like a sack of potatoes through a day, just barely managing and in survival mode.
It took its toll. Bridget picked up the slack on work, my husband on the home. As it dragged on for weeks I began to hate it. “I can’t believe I chose this” I exclaimed to Bridget one day, “I fucking hate pregnancy”. It was surrender beyond surrender. It was letting go in the midst of a storm. My house was a constant bomb because just bending down to pick something up made me vomit. Dinner took on a distinct “packet” flavour. My previously raging sex life turned barren. My relationship suffered – I was disconnected, depressed and unavailable. My husband was processing his own feelings about our new future, working and being me at home. It was a lot. We were resentful towards each other at times, but mostly we were sad - we were both feeling the loss of each other "I miss you spending time with me" my husband said one day, "I get it, I get why you're sick, but at times I find it really frustrating". Fair enough, me too.
I was in limbo. I’d said "no" to an abortion, but I hadn’t fully said "yes" to a baby. I kept waiting for signs of miscarriage. We didn’t tell the kids, they just accepted my “new normal”. My son was just matter of fact “mums vomiting again”, my youngest often followed me with a barrage of questions “why is your head in the toilet?” to which I’d answer “go away!”. It was my middle child, my sweet, open flower who was a bit unsure. She’d watch me, trying to work it out but not knowing how to connect the dots. She’d say “you really have to get better mum, no more lollies or sugar, you need to eat better”. When she’d see me touch my tummy she’d say “is your tummy sore?”. It is her I worry about telling. She burst into tears when we told her about Lola.
So this is how I spent our festive season – feeling very animalistic and not at all evolved, constantly bouncing from seeking food, to eating, to vomiting, to sleeping with constant nausea in between. “Still yourself?” I’d hear my inner witch cackle, like my oath was ridiculous.
So here I am, back from my 12 week scan....
It’s officially a baby!
I’m still sick, although now I’m getting bigger breaks from the nausea. My house is still chaos, but I’ve gotten used to it. My relationship has softened into this new way of being and I guess we’ll have to wait and see about my sense of self and career.
Thanks for being part of this journey with me. xx
NOURISH YOURSELF and your soul. Find the tools you need to gain the wisdom from your challenges and flip your perspective. Take the time YOU need, guided by us, to delve into who you are at your core and what is most important to you in this lifetime. Find your magnificence again with our LOATHING TO LOVING PROGRAM.
Loathing to Loving Program is a 4-module online, self-paced, course, delving into your values, connecting with yourself, healing old wounds and stories and rediscovering your feminine sensuality. This course has lifetime access, so you can sign up anytime and move through the content at your own pace - or revisit it, for life! We run 3 LIVE ROUNDS per year, where Bridget and Julie facilitate you for 5 weeks through the content - you can join in on as many as you like! Plus, when you sign up you get lifetime access to our Members Only Facebook group, where we have weekly discussions and coaching specific to our tribe.
Julie Tenner is Co-founder of Nourishing The Mother and is The Pleasure Nutritionist. Julie is a Naturopath, specialising in women’s and children's health, with specific focus on awakening women to their full potential – health for the mind, body and soul – creating lasting life change for you and your family by “coming home” to your magnificence.