What is the gold nugget under shame and blame within a partnership?
It provides some strong feedback to get back in love with who you are.
You can only find the answers you seek or listen with an open heart to criticism, when first you are in-touch with your own magnificence.
But how do you do that exactly? It seems a bit vague doesn’t it?
Magnificence is bantered around these days and there is something magnetic about our desire to have it, but I wonder how many of us actually know a practical path to seeking it?
So I’ve laid out a few steps here, so you can start to love your entirely magnificent and genius self on a day to day basis:
1. Reflecting Shame or Blame
If you notice your partner reflecting (you feel it, they don’t ‘create’ it) any blame or shame to you – bring awareness before you dive into the emotional recoil, or your defensive story:
· Hang on, why am I feeling this way?
· Name the emotion – what is it I’m feeling?
· What does this remind me of? What wound or story from my past is highlighted here?
· Am I currently feeling congruent in how I’ve handled myself or what I’ve done/said?
· Am I ‘shoulding’ on myself? Where is this injected value coming from? Is it a value authentic to me or am I trying to make myself fit into it?
2. Ground your body and your emotions
If you are entering a conversation at work or at home that will involve some hard truths and some criticism, your first intentional move is a grounding breath.
· “I need to get into this grown up body – my adult self, not my triggered child self who had no tools for dealing with emotion”
· Breathe in a way that the out-breath is longer than the in-breath at least 5 times. Try counting to 4 in and to 6 out.
· Tell yourself you are safe to be here, literally say it in your head. If conflict has been hard for you in the past then you need to take small steps to make it safe for you to stand in your sacred ground, openly. Don’t shrink, don’t puff up – as Brene Brown would say.
3. Use the mirror.
· List who you admire or wish to emulate
· What are the qualities you see in them or love about them?
· If you spot it, you’ve got it! Your ability to see these qualities is you trying to awaken yourself to your own magnificent experience of them. Where do you possess these qualities, likely in another way or form, but are not recognizing yourself for them?
4. Being ready to listen with an open heart.
· There is always a way to improve, but begin from the place of “I’m good with who I am right now”. Then you are ready to take the feedback on how to get better and move forward together.
· Respond to your loved one:
o “Please tell me more because no one else will have the balls to say it to me in this lifetime”. Comments from our loved ones hurt the most because they are so close to us and reflect back to us every part we want to run from.
o Say to yourself“I am doing a great job, I am capable of better, so I’m willing to listen to my perfect mirror and mine the gold”. This is all you my love, so what are you trying to reveal to yourself?
o “Its hard, I don’t want to hear it because I’m struggling with my own little girl who wants approval and love” and then go back to your breathing if it gets hard. Alternatively seek connection, don’t fall back into old patterns – if what you deeply need is to be held – say so, let them know exactly how to meet you in the dark and stay there long enough to come out together.
o Being vulnerable is all part of showing you “soft under belly” of loving the completeness of who you are – even when you mess up.
5. Tone is a lubricant to get across what you want.
· Especially when dealing with women, so be careful how you say something.
· If there is tone underlying your comments – what’s really going on for you? Where is the resistance? What is the resistance and how can you get more congruent?
6. Falling in love with yourself and your life through a dedicated noticing of your sensuality during the day to day.
· You have been born into a human body that feels – use that as a path to your divinity!
· Sensuality is as much a yogic practice as anything you will accomplish on a yoga mat.
· Take the moments in your day to really feel, smell, taste, look, hear and sense with your whole being. Stay as long as you can in those moments, letting them melt through you like honey dripping.
If you're ready to clear the 'debris' in the way of connecting with your own magnificence, you're ready to take ownership of your part within your relationship and forge a new direction, then you're ready to come and join us for 5 interactive weeks in June for our Loathing to Loving Program.
Julie Tenner is Co-founder of Nourishing The Mother and is The Pleasure Nutritionist. Julie is a Naturopath, specialising in women’s and children's health, with specific focus on awakening women to their full potential – health for the mind, body and soul – creating lasting life change for you and your family by “coming home” to your magnificence.