If we carry a big wound around isolation and rejection we are likely seeking to be liked by others.
Often this pattern will emerge when you have experienced disharmony or discord within an intimate family relationship – do you have a distinct memory you can connect to of ‘causing’ damage, or pain, or being “at fault” for something that happened within your family? Did you carry this belief forwards never wanting to feel the pain of guilt, separation and rejection? Have you spent a lifetime avoiding situations in which you might “rock the boat” or cause conflict or be “cast out”? Are calm, peace and harmony top priorities for you? Do you seek to “keep the peace” both at home and in friendships? Do you sacrifice your needs in order to meet others…because then you’ll be better off, you’ll be liked, you’ll be included, connected and loved?
Being liked, for most of us, equals love and all we ever seek in this lifetime is love – to be loved, to be lovable and to give love. So its perceived absence is immensely painful. It plugs us in beyond our stories of rejection in this lifetime and taps us into the pain of isolation from our ancestors - being cast out from the tribe equaled death. We are biologically and epigenetically predisposed to conform, to fit in and be loved. Plus then you add on the stories of pain and rejection from this lifetime and you’ve got yourself a shit-storm to wade through before you can get clear on what serves YOU most and therefore serves those around you most.
We banter the term “unconditional love” around like its actively something most of us seek – but do we really? Or do we more often than not love conditionally?
Do we love and open our hearts to others when they meet our criteria for “right”, when they are “just like us”, when they say and do what we like and value? Do we cast judgement and shame when others treat us with disgust, do we close our hearts off and distance ourselves from those that challenge us most?
It’s all love. All we are ever seeking is to be loved for who we are, just as we are and as lovers it is the greatest gift we can give another – to love them in their entirety, not just when they please us.
But it’s fucking hard isn’t it?
First we’ve got to go back to those memories of painful isolation and rejection and see the other side – where was the connection? Who was giving it to you at that moment? Where were your bonds formed when others were ‘broken’? This is love.
Sometimes the lessons we need are from pain – but the lessons ARE love – our soul, the universe, God, whatever you want to call it, loving us by teaching us what we need to know. From these painful wounds can come the most extraordinary insights, awakenings and understandings; which form our genius and fuel our values in this lifetime. It’s all love. Even the shit. It’s our perception and emotions that make it “good” or “bad”, “right” or “wrong”.
Next we need to see where we also disconnect or reject to the same degree we experienced it. List all the memories you have of precise moments when you disconnected and rejected someone else and keep stacking them, piling your “dirty laundry” list until you can feel into those moments and feel your body go “ahh, yes, these moments all stacked up equal the feeling of disconnection that I experienced”. Then we list the benefits to those we disconnected from.
What possible benefit could disconnection have??
Well, if connection is a high value of yours then this might be challenging for you, but the results will create enormous freedom for you. To love disconnection and chaos – how much would this change how you feel day to day? Rather than running from them and imploding with guilt and shame and judgement when you don’t meet your standards for connection.
Freedom. What you run from, runs you.
So back to benefits. Disconnection: resilience, the ability to seek support from a wider circle, to forge stronger bonds with other intimate people in their life, the freedom to not have to go deep and just be who they are, freedom, a greater sense of self, less emotional challenge because they no longer need to concern themselves with maintaining your relationship….and how do these traits serve them in their lives – how does learning this benefit them as a father, lover, worker, financially, spiritually…?
When you’re able to get to the point of “aha”, check in; the emotional charge around what happened to you and how you feel about disconnection and chaos will feel as though it has dissipated, like you kinds don’t care about it anymore, like you wouldn’t change a thing.
From this place you are free to make decisions based on your deepest desires and needs, to honour your top values, to live in alignment – no longer burdened by running from the fear of isolation and rejection.
How would that feel?
You are love, we all are and all the universe is ever offering us is love. Go seek it lover.
NOURISH YOURSELF and your soul. Take the time YOU need, guided by us, to delve into who you are at your core and what is most important to you in this lifetime. Find your magnificence again with our LOATHING TO LOVING PROGRAM.
Loathing to Loving Program is a 4-module online, self-paced, course, delving into your values, connecting with yourself, healing old wounds and stories and rediscovering your feminine sensuality. This course has lifetime access, so you can sign up anytime and move through the content at your own pace - or revisit it, for life! We run 3 LIVE ROUNDS per year, where Bridget and Julie facilitate you for 5 weeks through the content - you can join in on as many as you like! Plus, when you sign up you get lifetime access to our Members Only Facebook group, where we have weekly discussions and coaching specific to our tribe.
Julie Tenner is Co-founder of Nourishing The Mother and is The Pleasure Nutritionist. Julie is a Naturopath, specialising in women’s and children's health, with specific focus on awakening women to their full potential – health for the mind, body and soul – creating lasting life change for you and your family by “coming home” to your magnificence.