“I know I’ve made a true friend when she lets me in to her messy house!”
I said this over coffee with the school mums today and realised after their response that it is 100% true!!
A friend sitting next to me lit up and said:
“Yes! I was so thrilled when I was at your house last week and it was a bomb!! I’ve only ever seen your house clean and I just went, P H E W!”
Whey do we feel so obligated to project an aura of control?? Why do we feel so relieved when we see a dear friend or someone we admire ‘letting some balls drop’??
When we’re just all milling around in polite chit-chat, not-sure-who-you-are-yet but want-you-to-like-me new friendship phase we can forget that we’re enough, that we’re good to just be real and authentic. We prep our kids. We preen ourselves. We clean our house. We shove the messy clothes and piles of bags and jackets into a room and shut the door, tightly. We cram all the dirty breakfast dishes (from yesterday) into the dishwasher and close the door.
We want to be liked. We want to be loved. We want to expand our community and hang out in the presence of some other really cool women, who we’re possibly crushing on and definitely wanting to connect with. It’s like courting a lover – we face the prospect of rejection and judgment, we are plugged in to all our previous insecurities.
And we forget to just show up, to be seen for who we are. Instead we project who we think we should be and in the process we alienate ourselves and our hopeful-new-friends.
When in doubt, don’t be Barbie, or a Stepford Wife, be you.
Be courageous enough to be seen, vulnerable enough to be loved and real enough to connect to.
Love your warts, own them. Love all the ways you don’t measure up to your mother or mother-in-laws cleanliness ideals – see the magnificence in your values, the things you choose to spend your time doing and give recognition to all the ‘things’ you’re not willing to sacrifice in time and energy in order to have, well, order.
Love yourself for this, don’t turn that dial down – turn it up! Laugh at any harsh judgments made understanding the sacrifice these values call on and find peace in the fact that you choose a different path.
Dear beautiful mama, find the spaciousness to love the choices you make in order to live a life you love and let us have all of you – not just the parts you think are ok, but all of you – because in doing this you allow us to show you all of who we are.
And that’s the type of friendships I want.