Some mothers 'just know' they are done with having babies. Whether it's making the milestones count in pregnancy, knowing it's your last, or having that definite feeling of completeness as your baby is born, or passing on clothes and baby goods with no expectation of seeing them again...
Despite thinking that I 'should' be done. I don't feel it. In my head I can come up with every reason why it would be wise to stop at two, but my heart is drawn beyond reason, to yearning for more.
There was a moment, when six-month old Sylvie was sitting up at the table, tossing her food off the edge, that I looked at my two beautiful children, heart full of gratitude (even with the constant mess on the floor) that I knew there was room for one more at the table, and one more in my heart.
So how do we wrestle with that internal dialogue between our head and our heart, that can't make up it's mind?
How do we reconcile the voices in our outer world, which are actually reflective of our inner world, to find our alignment, and path forward?
I've been listening closely to my husband for clues at where i'm at. He sounds done. He'd be happy to be done. Babies aren't his jam, and while he loves his own without question, they're more fun when they hit the 18 month mark. And I get it!
Just yesterday, his conversation shifted. His perspective opened up. His willingness edging closer to where i'd love us both to be. And yet I see his trepidation, because there are moments at night, when i'm up for the second time with our toddler, or when my patience is wearing thin, or my service is exhausted and I feel like i've got nothing left, that I could easily call it a day, too.
And yet, the truth is we are made for challenge. And challenge we will face throughout our lives, with greater willingness in the areas of our highest values.
Learning, family and health are mine. My life shows evidence of this. Our highest values are the things that no one has to ask us to get up in the morning and do. They are what we find energy for, what lights us up in conversation, what we spend time thinking about, acting upon, and the they are the things we surround ourselves with.
When you think about growing your family, what's in the way? Is it your doubt of your own capacity? Or your relationship's ability to grow into the responsibility of more children? Or money? Health?
These are all wise to explore, and yet, sometimes our innermost thoughts, which indeed shape our destiny, cannot be reduced down to rationale, as much as our control-loving masculine energy within us all would love them to be.
What if expanding your family unlocks in you a greater capacity than you ever knew possible, that fuels every area of your life? Intentional motherhood has the power to do this for us, when we lean into it's lessons, and look for the wisdom in the relationship dynamics unfolding before us, and in the pain we are being called to bear, to find the gifts on the other side.
Whatever we run from, runs us. Be it our children, our work life, our relationships, our 'bad habits'; all of it. It's all there in service of us, to transform through the dance of life.
And so, when you're thinking about the big question of expanding your family, sink into your body and it's wisdom, and cultivate a relationship with your inner self, the part of you that knows what it's here to do. To awaken, to grow through and to imprint the world with.
Open your journal and start with the following questions:
What do I feel having another baby will give me and my family?
Where is that already present in my life? (nothing is missing, it all energy, changing form)
What's 'in the way' of making a choice here?
What am I afraid of losing? How would I grow through the pain of that loss; how would it benefit me?
How will adding another child enrich my relationships and family life?
How will adding another child create greater abundance for our family? (Not just monetary - but on that point, it's not how much money you have, but what you do with it)
How will having another baby help you get paid to do what you love? (a common resistance is money, but with some extra questioning, we can 'breakthrough' this limit and see more growth)
Meditate on how you would love your family to look in the future. What are you doing? Who have you become? How do you relate to each other?
Your thoughts, intentions, habits and perceptions are writing it all. What do you want the story of your family to be?